Today is a hard day. My mood matches the weather…cold, gloomy, and dark. Emotionally I’m all over the place. I’m down to my last smoke and I don’t feel like going outside. I want to start testosterone but I don’t have the right therapist to process through this shit yet. I’m tired of looking down at my breasts. I want them gone. I’m realizing how much I don’t talk about my trans identity and my feelings around it. I see how much I let people get away with messing up my pronouns because I don’t pass. Mostly because I don’t want to debate my presentation or defend it all the time. I see how much I want my body to match my insides so that I can run around like the glitter fag bear that I am. Instead of being mistaken for a lesbian. Cuz I ain’t no damn LESBIAN (no offense to lesbians/butches/masculine presenting lesbians). I want my hair, my chin hair, my awesome ridiculous mustache. I want these curves gone. I want my voice to be Barry White deep (and I damn sure don’t want helium trans voice….that’s too much for me.) I don’t want to be a bald bear (that’s what my love calls me. she thinks its funny. well it kind of is.) Anyway, I just want to snap my fingers and be where I want to be.
I don’t really know how to talk to my trans brothers about this. They usually over talk me (cuz they already pass and want to give me advice out the ass when I just need them to listen) or my other brothers try to dissuade me from taking testosterone because they don’t feel its necessary to pass. But in reality I understand passing privilege and I know the privileges I take advantages of when I don’t. ( i.e. women’s side of the precinct, lower prices on haircuts, free loin check ups-that’s what I call it, free mammograms because breast cancer runs on both sides of my family, dudes carrying my heavy packages-read that as me in my fag glory tho,etc. ) But truthfully I do want to pass. I don’t want to be identified as a woman. I hate that people refer to me as her or she or girl. It’s so aggravating. I hate that people invite me to do performances at women centered spaces because they see me as a woman. I hate that I even declare a gender because sometimes I just want to be done with the whole damn gender spectra. I know that comes from the ways I interact with the world once I step out of the queer community tho. I love being a guy. Things are just difficult right now.
For the most part right now, I just want to play video games, watch basketball, make art, wear my hair in crazy styles/colors, and be a fag who loves having sex with women. Is that too much to ask? I just want my classmates to be like that guy is smart and chill. Nothing huge. I don’t think that I’m asking the universe for the moon.
Oh you know what my favorite thing to happen to me is (insert sarcasm), when someone sees me from the back or my hat is low and they’re like “excuse me sir, i mean ma’am, sir, ma’am”….shit they don’t even know what to do. They just stand there stuck. Or how about this, when I go to the men’s section of the store, the clerk looks confused and tries to direct me back to the women’s section when I’ve agreed to be helped.
Let’s not even get started on my voice…it’s so high pitched when I’m excited and I’m so soft when I’m doing business over the phone, its kind of silly. I don’t want to pretend to have a deep voice. I see trans guys do that and I’m like that’s too much going on. I don’t want to walk extra hard, because face it, I’m such a fag at heart. Seriously. I wanna skip most of the time and runway walk when I’m not skipping.
But I know my hesitation with starting T is that it will make me sick, or I’ll get helium voice, or because I’m not a hairy person now, so I will become a patchy hair dude, I don’t want that either. I’d be happy being a stocky bear tho. That would be so good. But what if I react badly to T or I get acne really bad. Oh god. The vanity inside of me would throw such a temper tantrum. I’m being ridiculous. I just need to start this process. Will you hold my hand as I take this journey and not judge me? Will you listen to me? Will you be supportive? It’s all I really need. And I’ll appreciate everything you give. I’ll do my best to move mountains for you. I swear.
Ok. Back to my chocolates and my mission of self domination.
